A
year ago today, I had lunch with my boyfriend and took the opportunity
to complain to him.
"Today is Valentine's Day. Why didn't you give
me any flowers?" He raised his eyebrow.
"Why should I give you flowers? You are not my
anyone."
"Then.. you should at least give me a card!"
I pouted my lips, hurt by his tone.
"I know, I know. After lunch, I'll send you an
e-card."
"E-card??" That sounds so impersonal, but
that's the way he is.
"You have to e-mail it to me. I'll be waiting."
I excitedly smiled and planned to sneak home after
lunch to check e-mail.
Even though he wouldn't use any romantic words, I still
looked forward to the card.
"I'm going back to work. Hurry and send me the
card!"
As soon as I walked in my door, I turned on my computer
and got online. Staring at the empty inbox, I began to reminisce about
how we met. Maybe no one will believe me, but my boyfriend and I were
actually neighbors. Our homes were only 1 wall away. Ever since we were
kids, we liked to fight with each other all day long. We were only neighbors.
At that time, I hated my parents for making us live next to him. At
that time, I had a crush on a senior. After a while, I found out that
the senior student had lots of girlfriends. When I cried about it, he
silently passed me a handkerchief and awkwardly held me in his arms.
"I told you he wasn't any good." He roughly
comforted me.
I cried in his arms the whole night, and began to see
him in a different way. Things began to change between us. We still
fought all the time, but he started to look at me differently. And I
blushed and my heart beat faster when he was near. We both knew: we
fell in love with each other.
Even with this knowledge, neither of us said anything.
Even though we would not be able to resist and kissed each other constantly.
Even though we cared about each other's every moves.
Both of us refused to admit our love. Alright, we became lovers, but
we still wouldn't say we loved each other. We didn't even spend Valentine's
Day together until he saw me share dinner with a man one Valentine's
Day. That night, he waited for me in front of my door and said that
he would take me out to dinner on Valentine's Day from then on. I have
to say that he was very arrogant. But I nodded and accepted his request.
Since then, we spent every Valentine's Day together. On the surface,
we may have left each other. But in reality, we were still together.
We spent every Valentine's Day together but each year became more dreary
than the next because he never told me he loved me even with all my
hints.
Still facing the empty inbox, I suddenly grew very
angry. He wouldn't say it and wouldn't send me a card. What did he mean?
Who did he think I was? I called his cell phone.
"Hello." He picked up the phone.
"I didn't receive the card." I immediately
showed my pleasure.
"You didn't receive it?" He seemed really
busy.
"But I sent it." He was really busy but I
didn't care.
"I didn't receive it. Send it again."
"Okay, I'll send you 100 times. Is that good enough??"
He said with impatience. His tone further infuriated me. Is that how
lovers speak to each other?
"Don't bother sending it to me. And you don't
have to pick me up tonight. I'll eat dinner by myself."
"Don't be childish, ok? I'm really busy."
"I am childish!" I hung up the phone and
tears rolled down my cheeks. Childish?? Why didn't he consider the situation?
We've gone out for so many years and spent countless
Valentine's Day together. I never received any flowers nor cards from
him. Now, I just want a little e-card. Is that too much to ask for??
I unplugged the phone from the wall and turned off my cell phone. I
didn't want to hear his explanations.
After I returned to the hospital, I instructed the
receptionist not to forward me any phone calls. I wanted to concentrate
on work. Because there were so many emergencies today, I was sweating
1 hour later and forgot about our argument.
"Dr. Shu, please take a look at that patient."
As I was collecting my equipment, the shrill sound of an ambulance sounded
outside the ER. When I stepped out the door, the emergency medics hurriedly
wheeled in a gurney.
"What happened to him?" I asked the 1st medic.
Everyone else were trying to help put the patient on the gurney. He
was covered with blood.
"Car accident." The medic replied.
"Very serious. He may die." I nodded and
ran to the operating room with them.
When I arrived, the nurses told me that the man had
already stopped breathing and also his heartbeat also stopped.
"Prepare for shock." I calmly instructed
the nurses. Saving people is our duty. We can't and shouldn't lose our
calm. But when I saw who laid on the operating table, I lost my calm.
That person was my BOYFRIEND!
"NO..." I stood in shock. "NO!!!"
I grabbed the paddles and continuously shocked his body. His body bounced
up and down from the shocks. The scared nurses went to find another
doctor, to tell him that I was crazy.
I didn't know if I was crazy or not. I just wanted
to save my lover. Even though we fought all the time. Even though he
never showed me his love.
I still wanted to save him. He still owed me a card.
He couldn't die! I threw away the paddles and began to press on his
heart. I pressed with all my strength, hoping it would revive him, but
he didn't wake up. He didn't even say "It hurts". He just
laid there with his eyes closed, punishing me with his silence.
Dr. Jian angrily pushed me away. By that time, I couldn't
see clearly anymore. I cried. I wailed. I bowled until no sounds could
come out of my mouth.
"It's too late, Dr. Shu. He's already dead. I'm
sorry." Dr. Jian patted me on the shoulder. They knew each other
and ate together once. I introduced them.
"He can't die." I shook my head. "He
can't die!!" I struggled to run to him.
"Dr. SHU, control yourself!" Dr. Jian slapped
me. "I understand what you're going through, but you're a doctor."
Yes, I'm a doctor, but I'm also a regular person. How
can Dr. Jian understand how I feel? I've loved him for so many years
that it's become a habit. How can I just throw away a habit? Besides,
he still owed me a card.
"I want him to live! I want him to live!"
I ran to him again and tried to knock the life back into his body.
"Take her away!"
That day, I lost my control and my professionalism.
And that day happened to be Valentine's Day. Afterwards, I asked his
co-workers why he left work early that day. They told me that after
I hung up the phone, he tried to call me several times but couldn' reach
me. Worried, he drove to the hospital to find me and got hit by a large
truck on the way. When I heard this, I froze. My tantrum killed him.
Just because of an unmailed card, he died. After that, I lost my privilege
to be childish. Like an abandoned cat,I couldn't even cry anymore.
After his death, I couldn't cry anymore, regardless
of how touching the plot or how tear-jerking the dialogue. They didn't
affect me anymore. I turned on computer after a year later, even though
I know no one will send me a mail, I still hoped that someone will remember
me on this day. GOSH....I have.... 100 emails! Who would be bored enough
to send me 100 junk mail? I was just about to delete them all when I
received another mail, and this one said: "Because of system error,
we could not send these until today. We apologize for the delay."
The sender was my BOYFRIEND!!! I looked at the 1st mail. It showed the
send date is last year's Valentine's Day. My heart began to beat fast.
Could he have sent these? With a trembling hand, I opened the mail.
The first thing that popped up was a gorgeous red rose
set against green leaves. Then a beautiful melody began to play...."Only
Love". I couldn't believe it. The rose was so beautiful and the
music was so dreamy. I almost thought I was in a? fantasy.
Most touching of all were the words underneath the
rose, because the words read like a beautiful poem. "Only love
can make a memory. Only love can make a moment last. You were there
and all the world was young and all it's songs unsung and I remember
you then when love was all, all you were living for, and how you gave
that love to me...."
The lyrics of this song fits our love so closely. When
he was alive,my world was so young. Every day, I could find a something
different to fight with him about. But after he left, my life is only
left with memories and coldness that will never go away. When I read
these words, my tears unconsciously came, wetting the keyboard. I replied
100 times, and "Only Love" played 100 times.
In this cold Valentine's night, the line that's been
broken for LAST ONE YEAR finally got RECONNECTED.
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